It's Time To Be More Cautious About Who We Let Into Our Lives
A letter to people pleasers and people who fall in love with friendships too quickly.
I love friendships.
I love getting to know people. I love learning everything I possibly can about a person. I love listening to life stories, discovering humor types, and unwrapping interests. I love building friendships from the ground up and I try to be a friend that feels safe and ever-present, whether we’ve spoken an hour ago or six months ago. I identify as a people person. Learning about the positive impact of friendships on a person’s mental health and the psychology of being a good friend is something that fascinates me.
This can be a beautiful trait.
It’s also a trait that has bitten me in the ass time and time again.
Cutscene to my wonderful partner, an incredibly wise person with the ability to read people and their intentions upon first meet. He treats new friendships with caution, and it can take years before he labels someone as a “close friend”. As a result, his relationships are healthy, reliable, and secure. His friendships are quicker to jump back from tiffs, and he never has to question intention. I’ve learned a lot from him over the years on how to build long-lasting friendships and how to sniff out friendships that will inevitably end. I’m still learning a lot from him.
Now cutscene to me. I’ve had a few tumultuous friendships in my lifetime. Without getting too deep into the details, I essentially ignored years of red flags and bad gut feelings. I would always silently “forgive and forget” when treated poorly, like a helpless sad dog attached to its shitty owner. I’d obediently crawl back to toxic friendships despite clear signs that ending them would have a notable impact on my mental health and self-worth. I’d get caught in one-sided friendships. I’d ruminate on “off” interactions and hope they were a product of weird life circumstances. Like a bad romantic relationship, it’s hard to “let go” when you’re already in so deep. In my current life stage I am blessed with some incredible and beautiful friendships that I hold dear, but I’d be lying if I said my past experiences didn’t give me trust issues or make me slip into an avoidant shell at times.
We are so quick to call someone a “close” friend before that person has earned that title right. Our desire to be understood and liked blinds us to real intentions and likely future outcomes, leaving us with half-assed friendships that fizzle out in a year’s time. We love to preach about the importance of treating our platonic friendships like our romantic relationships, yet we break the “duhs” of “dating” and jump too quickly into a deep friendship, spewing our deepest secrets and raw thoughts in the infant stages of the relationship. Don’t get me wrong - there are serendipitous moments when this can pay off and lead to a healthy, life-long friendship. It can also lead to heartbreak and trust issues when building new friendships. I’ve experienced both. The latter hurts just as much as a break-up.
Despite how this might read so far, I promise you this isn’t a post of cynicism, but rather a cautionary tale about jumping into friendships too quickly. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and other social sites give us an intimate glimpse into the lives of those we want to build friendships with, making it feel like we know a person more than we actually do. Social channels should not be treated as a SparkNotes to getting to know somebody. Sit with each other in real life, thoroughly digest a person’s mannerisms and the way they interact with others, pay attention to how they pay attention, and treat new friendships like a slow-growing cherry tree, showering it with time, patience, and care.
As I reflect on the friendships I have, the ones that are growing, and the ones I used to hold, I write this as a kind reminder to myself to air on the side of caution when developing close friendships. Acquaintance is not a bad word. It’s not a mean descriptor. Open your heart, be kind to others, but hold the keys for others to access you tightly.